The fight
by savage garden freak
Summary: nakago is fighting his feelings and tomo wonders why. a letter. both characters pov. chapter 3 up!
1. letter

The fight.  
  
I must fight him. I can't let him win. If I give up and tell him what will that say about me? Even though it would explain a lot of things, like why I have never been attracted to women. Everyone thinks I am because of Soi, but I'm just using her, like I use everyone else I know. I don't want to hurt him, to be so cold, but if I'm not then everyone will know. They may grudgingly agree to fight under a Hin, but they would rebel against fighting under someone they think might try to seduce them at any time or who they think they can seduce into giving them better positions. The few times we were alone together I was almost overwhelmed by his kisses. He kissed me once in public and I slapped him as hard as I could. Though I instantly regretted it, I did nothing but stare at him coldly and hope that he didn't hate me. Those few seconds when he looked at me with that hurt expression that makes me want to cuddle and reassure him, were some of the worst I have ever lived and to make things worse, earlier, when we were alone, he told me that he forgave me and that he knew that if everyone else hadn't been there that I wouldn't have slapped him. Then he kissed me and I almost gave in, almost told him everything. Instead I pushed him away and told him to leave me alone. As he was leaving, he turned and said that if I had truly wanted to be left alone that I would not allow him to kiss me. I was so angry that, after he left, I did something that I never do. I lost my composure and started throwing things. Sweet Seiryuu, why did he have to be right? And worse did he know how right he was? Oh no! What if he has realized how deeply my feelings for him go? I think about his hair, silvery- black and longer than most girls. It's so soft that it is like having a cat rubbing it's furry sides against you when you are trying to sleep. I think about his hands, long fingered and elegant. I think about his face, so beautiful and always hid from everyone except when he is asleep. The large golden eyes, so expressive and deep that you feel you could drown in them. The almost too sharp line of his nose. His lips, which stop just short of full and are so soft. Quickly, I call a servant and tell him I wish to remain undisturbed till I call for someone. No one is to disturb me, not even another seishi. I close the door and lie down on my bed. I spelled the door along time ago to make everything inaudible unless it was a danger to me. I did not think, when I had made these privacy spells, that love was a danger. Now it was too late to change the spell. I lay there and cried for what seemed like hours, though it was probably just a few minutes. Then I waited till all the blotchiness was gone from my face. It would not do for people to know that I had been crying like a child. I opened the door to call a servant. I told him to get me a glass of water and to deliver a letter, which I had written whilst I was waiting for my face to resume its natural color, to Tomo.  
  
Why does he keep pushing me away? I know he likes me, I can see it every time he looks at me. It's a slight softening of his eyes that I'm sure not even he knows about. When we are alone together, I can see his confidence and resolve waver. I'm pretty sure he promised himself that he wouldn't tell me that he loves me, but you don't spend all your nights dreaming of someone and all your days observing them to learn nothing about them. He's loved me since we first met, he just won't admit it. Why does he keep torturing himself like this? I would not turn him away if he told me he needed me. Does he think the only reason I pursue him is because I enjoy the chase? If that is what he thinks then he is very mistaken about that. I am very much in love with him. I know things about him that even he has forgotten. I know all his weaknesses and desires and I know why he hates his desires. He hates them because they make him feel weak and they remind him that he is only human. He doesn't know that I know all this. If he did he would probably have me killed or imprisoned until my usefulness was gone. I turn my thoughts to the far more pleasant pastime of contemplating him. I thought of his golden waterfall hair, so long and full that I longed to feel it, to press it to my face and breath in the wonderful masculine scent of him. His eyes are the color of the middle of a clear, perfect sapphire. I think of his slim, well-muscled, build. His skin is like velvet- silk. His.*knock, knock! * I allow entrance into my sanctuary. "This is from Nakago-sama. He said that you are to read it immediately." Said the menial. I dismissed him and slowly, so slowly, I opened the letter.  
  
Dear Tomo,  
  
You can't keep this letter. You must destroy it after you've read it. It is risky enough writing this letter and if anyone sees this letter I will kill you. I'm sure you've already guessed (you annoyingly perceptive bastard.) that I love you. If I were to tell you right now that I dream of your beautiful face, of your delicious body, I doubt you would be surprised. The fact that this is true is beside the point. Do you want to know how I know what you look like without your protection, your costume and make up? I come to your room and watch you sleep. Sometimes you are dressed in that black silk robe which only highlights your beauty and sometimes you are not wearing anything. You're like a living statue of alabaster, water and night. Your eyes are like living gold. You are graceful and delicate seeming, but you are strong and have pulled through more than anyone that I know except myself. I know why you wear your mask. You are afraid. I'm afraid, also. I wear a mask, too. It is a mask of power, of self-assurance, of indifference. Somehow you saw that, saw past that, and saw me. Why did you have to be the one to break the wall? Why did you have to be someone I saw everyday, worked with everyday? I hate you but not enough, never enough because I love you. Anyone else I could use and get rid of but not you. I need you for the war against the Suzaku seishi and summoning Seiryuu even if I didn't need you for my heart. I want you to come to my rooms tonight at midnight. I have to talk to you. And remember, if anyone sees this letter I will kill you.  
Nakago  
  
My body finally reminded me that oxygen is a necessary part of survival. 


	2. blue robe

Disclaimer: ahem, Unfortunately, I DON'T OWN TOMO, NAKAGO, SOI OR FUSHIGI YUGI AT ALL! This whole story is from the dark recesses of my mind, but the characters belong to Yuu Watase-sama.  
  
I pace my rooms, restlessly, waiting for the promised time. I'm not wearing my costume or makeup, merely my sleeping robe. Now that Nakago-sama has expressed his preference for me in this outfit, I don't wish to remove it from my person, even though I know I can't wear it most of the time. If I could I wouldn't do anything other then wait on Nakago-sama and fulfill both of our desires. I would protect him from all dangers and destroy those that oppose him. I just want him to be happy and if that means me leaving him then I will, but I won't live long after that. Gaaah! What am I thinking? I know that he loves me, so why do I keep thinking that he will send me away? Why do I think that this is just a dream, that I'll wake up and find that this was just a wonderful illusion that I made up to soothe my lonely soul? At last the time has come! I quickly wrap myself in an illusion of my normal attire and makeup. It would not do to have the palace guards and servants see me in my vulnerable natural beauty. A determined man, or woman for that matter, could easily overpower me and then I would not be able to face Nakago-sama, knowing that I was impure again. It was bad enough the first time. It took me years to convince myself that I was worthy to give and receive love and I didn't love anyone, ever, except him. I have dreamed of him since I was a child. I walk, unhurriedly, towards his room. If I see anyone I don't want them thinking I'm over-eager to do something it would make them suspicious and very likely they would try to spy on me. I don't like invasions of my privacy.  
  
How much longer? I relentlessly pace my room waiting for the time to arrive. I can't wait for him to arrive, but what will I say? What will I do? What should I wear? I look at my clothes spread on my bed. Armor... definitely not, too menacing. Nothing.... Too vulnerable. Underclothes...also too vulnerable. Court garb...way too formal. I try to imagine what he will be wearing. I hope it's his robe. Just thinking about him in that robe makes me want to drool. Hastily, I wipe my mouth. I decided that I would wear my sapphire blue silk robe. Soi always said that it looked wonderful on me. I can't believe that I'm using that whores' advice to prepare for my love. I hate Soi. She's a slut and she would have spread her legs for anyone who had rescued her from that hellhole and was strong enough to protect her. It was just my misfortune that it was me who rescued her. I only did it because I felt that it was my duty to collect the other seishi, to prevent what had happened to me from happening to the others. I think, though, that I wasn't able to prevent it from happening to Tomo. I have the feeling that his life was remarkably similar to mine. I slip into my robe and begin to brush my hair in front of the mirror. Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door. It's him! I calmly call to him to enter just in case it isn't him. It's him. Tomo. I look at him with lust and love, wanting to take him and be taken by him. I restrained the urge with a determined will. I had called him to my room to talk and talk we would, even if I had to force myself to think about Soi, Tamahome, Miboshi, Ashitare, and Suzaku no miko. I suppressed a shudder of disgust at the thought of the last person listed.  
  
"Nakago." I whisper as I gaze at him. 


	3. tears

Nope, still not mine.  
  
I can see the lust and love swirling in his eyes, darkening them. He appears to be struggling with himself. Suddenly, he shudders. "What's wrong?" I ask him, concerned. "Nothing, I just thought of something really disgusting." He replies. "What?" I inquire. "Suzaku no miko." He says, shuddering again. I shudder as well at the thought of that disgusting pig of a girl. "Don't think about her," I say. "Think about me, instead. Now, what did you want to talk to me about?" I am pretty sure I know what it is, though, that he wants to talk about. "Us" he whispers, almost inaudibly. I nod in acknowledgement. "I thought so." I reply. "Now, I want to do something first." "What?" He asks, his voice trembling a bit. "This." I say as I lean down and capture his lips with my own. I allow the kiss to stay simple until he takes it to the next level, which after a moment, he does. I allow him access when his tongue gently laps against my lips. After a moment of allowing him to plunder my mouth, I gently pull away. "Now, let's talk" I whisper. "Mmm. Sit down so I can brush your hair while we talk, it's a little tangled." He replies. I take his seat at the vanity as he vacates it. As he brushes my hair, I lean back a little. "Ohhh, that's nice. You're really good at this, not pulling at all." I say, leaning a little more into the brush strokes. "Thank you. I used to brush my moms hair before...when I was a child. It was so long and soft and it always smelled really nice." He stopped, as if unable or unwilling to go on. "Go on, I like hearing about you. Anything you tell me I swear to Seiryuu that it stays between you and me." I reassure him, quietly.  
  
Seiryuu, he so beautiful. I want to kiss him again, to taste the flavor of his mouth again. I drag my thoughts away from that avenue, quickly. I enjoy running my hands through his hair. My thoughts of my mother sting and I instinctively turn introspective at them. I can't believe that I told him about Her! His words soothe away a little of the pain and shame of that time, especially what happened after I arrived at the palace. I shudder at that memory and briskly push it away. This time is for Tomo and me. Suddenly, I'm crying. Tomo turns and gathers me into his arms, just holding me and humming an intricate little melody as the sobs wrack my body. Soon, I can't even think.  
  
"Poor Nakago." I murmur as his lithe body shudders from the force of his sobs. At last he falls asleep. I look at him and sigh, then I stand up, carry him to bed and tuck him in. I place one last kiss on his lips, write and hide a note for him, then sneak quietly back to my room. 


	4. angst

Nu-uh, still not mine. Major ooc-ness, esp. on the part of Nakago. I apologize in advance for this chapter, I love angst. I'm following the advice of one of my reviewers. N: = Nakago, T: = Tomo  
  
N: I slip my right arm into my armor. What's this? A letter? I open it tremulously. Dear Nakago,  
  
You fell asleep so I tucked you in and went back to my room. How 'bout we try again at midnight? I loved it when you talked about your mother, she must have been great. I wish I could have met your mother. I wish I could have met mine for that matter. Oh well, love you. I'll see you later.  
Tomo.  
  
I sigh and put the letter in to my dressing table drawer. I finish dressing. As soon as I leave my room, Tomo and Soi appear bickering as usual. I quickly turn away and stride down the hall to prevent myself from punching Soi and kissing Tomo. I hear Tomo hiss in pain and turn to see him slash Soi's face with his nails while holding his cheek. "Stop that!" I command, angry that Soi would dare attack Tomo. "If you can't act like adults I will have to send you both to separate ends of the kingdom. Maybe put you in the border guards. They could certainly use more people. Now apologize!" I yell. "Sorry." Mutters Soi. "I'm sorry that you were disturbed by my behavior, Soi. I shall endeavor to be more pleasing in the future." Replies Tomo, pompously. I can't help it; I burst out laughing. They just looked at me, puzzled by my strange behavior. "You...are...dismissed." I wheeze. "Oh, Tomo, I have an assignment for you. Soi, you are confined to your quarters until I call for you, including meals." I wait until Soi disappears around the corner before I pull Tomo into my room. I close the door and push him up against it, kissing him roughly. "What's my...assignment?" Tomo gasps out. "Mmm." I snuggle closer to him. "You are to tend to me, in whatever manner I request..." I say, pulling him into another kiss. "Hmm, I think I'll like this assignment." He replies. I smile secretively.  
  
T: What's he planning? He's smiling like the cat that ate the canary. I run my hand through his hair and he purrs. PURRS! He never does that! It's even stranger then his laughing. I frown suddenly. "What's wrong?" He asks. "Nothing." I say. I think that he is letting his guard down just for me. With no masks, he's as charming as he is beautiful. I kiss him, demanding with my lips. He responds and our tongues fight for dominance. I let him win. I prefer not to take the lead, though I could quite easily. Even when... that... happened I just let them take the lead and didn't fight back, knowing almost subconsciously that they would hurt me more if I fought. I can't tell him about it, though I long to. I have a feeling that our pasts are remarkably similar, especially if the looks the emperor sometimes gives him are anything to go by. I wonder how old he was when he was brought here, how old he was when his mother died. "How old were you?" I murmur inadvertently. "How old was I when?" he asks carefully. I blush with humiliation, knowing I can't just brush the question into the background, knowing I'll have to tell him my secret. I turn my face away, unable to look him in the eyes. "How old were you when the emperor stole your innocence?" I mumble. "How old were you when he took your virginity?" I look at him, finally. He looks like I just slapped him.  
  
N: How did he know about that? Who told him? I'll kill them. I never wanted to be reminded of why I vowed to never be weak again. "How do you know about that? Who told you? I'll kill them!" I say angrily. He's scared; I can see it in his eyes though he's desperately trying to hide it. "No one told me, I figured it out on my own. I know what to look for. You aren't the only one whose innocence was stolen from them." He replies tremulously, tears sliding down his face. I'm shocked. My beautiful love had his innocence ripped away? I must kill whoever did this horrible thing! "Tell me who did this and I swear, I'll kill them." He smiles sadly. "You're too late," he says gently. "I killed them already. Didn't you ever wonder what happened to the rest of my troupe? Why I was the only one still alive? I wasn't safe with either the men or the women, all used me. When you're a child and you join a troupe you're free game for anyone who wants you and the best that you can hope for is that you'll earn enough that day to earn a bowl of rice at the evening meal." I'm even more shocked then I was before. Women raping? Not being the protector, like my own mother? The idea is too horrible to contemplate. I look away and then back at Tomo. He's crying and I feel tears start to slide down my face. We embrace and comfort each other, one raped orphan to another, in ways no one else would understand. "I'm so sorry" I murmur. "It's not your fault, you didn't know." He whispers back. Slowly we pull apart. "I was ten." I say in answer to his question. "I was seven." He replied.  
  
T: I can't believe I just told him my secret, the secret I didn't want anyone to know, especially not him. Somehow it surprises me that he didn't know already. At least he'll understand when I pull away in the middle of our passion like a frightened animal. I lean in to kiss him and...*knock knock* "Nakago-sama! The emperor requests your presence immediately!" I sigh and pull back. 


	5. meeting

Lalalala! More beautiful hug kiss love! Darn, still not mine. A hug for those who are nice and review my stuff. I might give up if I don't get reviews soon.  
  
N: Damn! Why does this always happen? "I'll see you tonight at ten." I whisper before standing and looking in the mirror. Nope, can't even tell I was crying. "Enter." I call. "Nakago-sama, the emperor has requested your presence. He is waiting for you in the receiving room." Repeats the menial. I grimace in distaste. How I hate him. He does everything in excess and never seems to want to do anything that doesn't have to do with his personal comfort. He's disgusting and slovenly. I turn back to Tomo. "You are dismissed." I say as dispassionately as I can. "Yes, Nakago-sama." He says, submissively. I watch him as he leaves, wishing that I could hold him in my arms again. After he leaves I turn to the servant. "You are dismissed." I say. Then I leave. Stupid emperor. I wish I could rip his heart out. I would if it wasn't for the fact that someone needs to rule the country so that I may achieve my goals. I arrive at the emperors' reception room. "Your highness." I say, hating the words. "Good, you're here." Says the emperor. "I want you to find someone to keep me company, someone beautiful...young... you know what I like, mmm? Maybe I'll have you keep me company again some night, you've grown up quite nicely." "It was because of you." I reply, truthfully. It was because of my hate for him that I was determined to be strong. "Your loyalty makes me glad. When you see Tomo, tell him I wish to see him." He ordered. "Yes, your highness." I manage to say through gritted teeth. Tonight, Tomo is mine; I will not allow the emperor to see him. After all, he said he wanted to see Tomo, not when he wanted to see him. I leave, scowling as soon as I am out of the emperors' sight. Then I smile and walk a little faster. I have a surprise to prepare. It will take the few hours I have left after I finish my duties, but it will be worth it.  
  
T: What time is it? I can't think, I'm so impatient. I glance at the time candle. Still an hour till ten. What am I going to do until then? I pace restlessly. I know! I will prepare a gift for Nakago. What should I give him? What can I give him? I have already given him myself. He has owned me from the first time I dreamed of him when I was a small child. I won't give him a gift. I will do something else for him. What will I wear tonight? Should I wear my robe? Should I wear a different outfit? I won't wear my costume, it isn't the true me. I will wear my robe. I'm so nervous I'm driving myself to distraction. O.k. stop, breathe, relax. Now, what have I decided? I will wear the robe and I won't give Nakago a gift. What should I do with my hair? Leave it up or let it down? I try different hairdos in the mirror. I think I'll leave it down. I change and wash the makeup off my face. There, much better. I look at the candle. Just another twenty minutes. I start picking up my discarded clothes and put them into the dirty laundry hamper. My room is clean, now what? I look at the candle again. Ten minutes. I sit at my vanity and brush my hair some more. Finally it is time to go. I stand up and leave, locking the door behind me. I stroll down the hall not bothering to use my power to disguise myself. I see the emperor walking towards me and I bow, hoping to remain unnoticed. "You. Who are you?" demands the emperor, lifting my chin. "Your highness, I'm merely Tomo of the Seiryuu seven. I am not worthy of your notice." I say, not daring to look him in the eyes. "Look at me." He demands. Slowly, I comply. "So beautiful under your make-up. You would make a wonderful addition to my harem." The emperor muses aloud. "Your highness, I'm not worthy to be in your harem, I am just a lowly captain. I have no worth beyond what my power gives me as a fighter." I stammer out, knowing what will happen if I am ordered into his harem. I don't think I could stand myself if that happened again. And how would I face Nakago? As I stand trembling, the emperor yawns. "I will speak with you more on the morrow. Come as you are now, I prefer it to your normal outfit. Go now." He said dismissively. I bow and walk away as quickly as possible. When I am out of sight I heave a huge sigh of relief. I escaped a horrible fate. I hurry on to my loves abode.  
  
N: Finally, everything is ready. 


End file.
